The No Hamburger List

Over the weekend I ate fast-food three times.  I did not order salads.  I have no self-control.

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a No Hamburger List?  You know? Like when small retailers or restaurants have lists of people they won’t serve for one reason or another.  People who’ve passed bad checks or been caught stealing.  All fast-food chains should have a list that you can volunteer to be on if you have no self-control that would make them deny service to you if you exceeded a certain amount of calories or tried to order anything deep-fried.  They can do all kinds of amazing things with voice recognition technology these days. Couldn’t they install something at the drive-thru?

“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s, what can I get for you today?”

“Uh… I’ll have a #2, Large size, with a root beer.”

“I’m sorry Mrs. Hansen, I see here that you are on the No Hamburger List and I’m afraid our system can’t process your request.”

“…but I’ve been doing really good lately.”

“I’m sorry but we can’t help you if you’re going to make bad choices.”

“Um, okay, well… it’s for my husband.”

“Nice try Mrs. Hansen.  According to The List you qualify for a diet Dr. Pepper and a fruit and yogurt parfait, or any of our salads.”

“Alright.” *grumble*

Maybe I wouldn’t be happy at the time, but I would be happy later.  It would do amazing things for obesity in our country, and for me.

169 lbs.

Today my feelings taste like homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Weightloss made S.I.M.P.L.E. (Stupid. Impossible. Miserable. Punishment. Lost Cause. Entirely unlikely to ever happen.)

            Is losing weight simple?

            It seems like a simple thing.  You eat less; you move around; you lose weight.

            But it’s not such a simple thing.  Or at least it’s not if you’re asking certain people. Like me if you were to ask me, for instance.

            But if you ask a guy, a guy who works in construction and doesn’t really care for cake, he’ll tell you it’s simple.  Or if you ask someone with the metabolism of a squirrel and the same eating habits as one, they’ll tell you it’s simple.  Even if you ask someone who used to be fat, and then went on this amazing diet and turned into a kick-boxing expert, even they’ll tell you it’s simple.

            One time I was in a car with a couple of my friends.  I was sitting between them wearing a baggy sweatshirt and 45 lbs of baby weight.  They were riding on either side of me in their slim button down blouses, cardigan sweaters, and skinny jeans. The one who was driving was talking about how she sort of missed dieting. She said that losing her baby-weight had been, “a fun challenge.”  A comment to which the other girl replied, “I know! Sometimes I want to gain all that weight back just so that I can lose it again.” Then they nodded in unison.

            I sat in resentful silence.  I didn’t speak because it was taking all of my will-power to resist the urge to reach around and bash their agreeing heads together and then drive all three of us off of a cliff.

            I know how my body works. I know what it takes for me to lose weight. I’ve done it before. Granted, I’ve never had this much to lose, but I’m guessing the same rules apply.  It should be simple. But if it was really as simple as it sounds I probably would have done it already. Don’t you think?

If you look simple up in the dictionary there are several meanings. For example one definition says: Easy and able to be done or understood quickly, or with very little effort. That is not how I would describe losing weight. But here’s a definition of simple that I agree with: an offensive term meaning having an intellectual capacity that does not permit the performance of higher-level cognitive processes. So there you go.  According to the dictionary, its offensive to assume that anyone or anything is simple. Therefore I would appreciate it if you didn’t call weight-loss simple in front of me. It hurts both of our feelings.

Today my feelings taste like pizza.